Greetings from UUEstrie, a liberal spiritual community that first gathered in the village of North Hatley back in 1886, as the First Universalist Church of North Hatley.
Join us Sundays at 10:30am for our weekly service.
Greetings from UUEstrie, a liberal spiritual community that first gathered in the village of North Hatley back in 1886, as the First Universalist Church of North Hatley.
Join us Sundays at 10:30am for our weekly service.
On Sunday, March 22, UU friend Susan Macaulay gave a presentation about the journey she’s undertaken with her mom who was originally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2006.
Susan, who lived in Dubai for 18 years, came back to care for her Mom in her mother’s home near Georgeville in October 2011.
Susan shared audio clips and examples of how the experience with her Mom have transformed the way she sees Alzheimer’s disease and the people who have it.
“I believe if you believe people are going to be aggressive, angry and frustrated well, sure enough that’s how they turn out to be,” Susan said. “But if you see it in a different way then you can manage the situation differently. You can change your own behavior and you can have a different impact on the person who has the disease.”
Susan said her mother, who is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s, still has many moments of clarity in which she shares her thoughts and wisdom.
Susan quoted author and dementia care pioneer Naomi Feil who says:
Susan recently published the first in a series of ebooks about her journey with her Mom; it’s called My Alzheimer’s Story: A Daughter’s Diary and is available on Amazon here.
Susan also writes a blog called MyAlzheiemersStory; see videos of Patti playing piano and singing with Eric Manolson here.
Our annual pageant and turkey supper was held on Sunday, 14 December 2014. This year’s original play written and directed by Kevin Jensen, takes place in medieval England. Queen Elizabeth becomes lost in the forest, and takes shelter in a peasants’ hut.
Heather Lewis took these photographs. The first four were taken during the play, she apologizes that the lighting was not very good. (Well, it was a peasant hut, after all!)
The remaining pictures of the cast were taken after the play. First up are the grandparents (Chantal and Michael), who were in a fluster over serving poached venison stew.
Joy and relief after the play. Note the incriminating antlers and deer hides on the box.
Sorry, folks, novenison stew, it was all eaten up in the play. But lots of turkey and everything else you can imagine.
Actually more desserts that you can imagine.
Thanks to all who helped , with both the play and the dinner. The kitchen was a busy place.
“BEYOND THE STEEPLE”
Sermon/Reflection ~ UU Estrie, June 8 2014
Reverend Carole Martignacco
An Audio File of this sermon is also available.
Remember that catchy little rhyme: Here’s the church, here’s the steeple – open the doors, and see all the people! Some of us learned it decades ago in Sunday School – remember Sunday School? How things used to be…the church of the past? Prevailing trends today see fewer and fewer people coming through those doors.
This morning let’s review some trends influencing how we do church. Reflecting on the larger forces at work in shaping who we are, here at UU Estrie, as we imagine the future of this beloved community. Somewhere beyond the steeple – or bell tower, in our case – a new age is dawning. With potential to fulfill the dreams of early Unitarians or Universalists who longed for a freedom of faith not possible in ages past. Our present is filled with challenges to engage our best energies, yet also with unforseen possibilities heralding a future of hope.
But first – let’s explore this nagging question: Where are the people?
Where ARE they on Sunday morning instead of here. How do they differ from US? After all, we’re here! Were I to ask, each of you’d have an answer for why you’re here. But what of those others out there – where are they? What’s happened to faith in our lifetime, as the category of “nones” keeps growing. Nones in this context mean not those faithful women in medieval clothing who dedicated entire lives to God and the service of humanity. Now considered outdated, old-fashioned – not only because of their habits. Today’s N – O – N – E – S are those who on questionnaires or census forms mark the box NONE when asked to identify their religious affiliation. And they’re becoming the fastest growing denomination in North America!
More and more, not just small churches like ours, but huge cathedral-like structures, are having to close or reinvent themselves. Recently the Gazette ran an article with photos of several beautiful landmarks in the greater Montreal area of various denominations that have been – shall we say – born again, converted to uses other than Sunday morning services. It seems life after death for churches looks like community centers, theatres, museums, adult learning centres, art galleries. In some cases, coffee houses or pubs. We’ll come back to that…
Here at home at UU Estrie, we look for reasons. We ask ourselves – what are we doing wrong? Are we meeting at the right time? Would a half hour earlier or later make a difference? Do we invite the right speakers? Should we have shorter sermons? Or none at all – more workshops, book discussions, film nights? Have we too many committees, or not enough? How many small groups should we run, for how long, when and where should they meet? What kind of programming would attract more children, young people, families, people like us? Are we welcoming and friendly enough? There’s a sense that if a solution exists, like a key – it’s hanging on some hook just beyond reach.
All these questions reveal a perception that our biggest problem is how to get THEM to come to US. Which should lead to our next question: Is that true?
If we lift our heads a bit, we begin to ask the larger, big-picture questions: What’s happened to religion in the 21st century? What’s wrong with this newer generation, that church no longer holds a primary place in their lives? Why do time-honoured values no longer play a central role in shaping society? Keeping the Sabbath, making time for worship, gathering in community have given way to work weeks without weekends, Sunday morning soccer games, shopping. For families where both parents are breadwinners, Sabbath is the only day to sleep in, have breakfast with family, do some yard work. Many blame social fragmentation, instant communications technologies, latest innovations in social media.
Are we living in a Godless era? Decades ago Time magazine sported a cover announcing the death of God. Should it be any surprise the death of church would naturally follow? Has the cult of materialism finally won?
When I first came to North Hatley, I learned from someone in another faith community that we Unitarian Universalists were known as that “Godless Church on Main Street”. Like most stereotypes, WE know that’s not true. Instead of just One name for god, we’re open to many. But wait a minute! Here’s the rub: if people even thought it was true – wouldn’t the trend be that we’d GROW as people turn away from mainstream religion? After all, some of us are here today because we treasure this place as a kind of refuge where we needn’t park our minds at the door, hide questions or doubts that prevent us fitting in elsewhere. Not because we’re god-less, but because our faith, our values, our sense of the sacred – however we define it – is important enough to claim a whole morning of our lives each week. Finding this place – open-minded, open-hearted, sans dogma, sans credo – has meant for many here – your minister included – finally coming home religiously. And we know there must be others like us, out there, somewhere.
Lyle Schaller is one of those rare folk who for years has studied statistics and demographics of declining church membership and charted the rise of the “nones”. He writes in “Small Congregation – Big Potential” – a book I picked up on sale at the recent ACM – about pervasive cultural shifts occurring in our lifetime. Declining church membership is a symptom, he confirms, of a culture in transition. How we read the changes, what we interpret them to mean, whether we resist or learn to use them, shapes how we respond and who we become.
Briefly, some changes Schaller names:
1) Emergence of Regional Institutions: Most churches like our own were neighbourhood churches, designed to serve a population within a 3-mile radius. (4.5k in Canada!) You could get here on foot, horseback or by horse-drawn buggy. Today’s increased mobility draws us out of the neighbourhood into more regional activities.
2) Competition is Greater: Our needs are met by more than the village church, corner grocery store or local schoolhouse. Increased competition for people’s time, energy, attention and financial support – those Soccer leagues, television, Internet, recreational opportunities and shopping – now compete for Sunday morning allegiance.
3) Consumerism: We shop for everything, and order it from anywhere in the world. Not even church, says Schaller, is exempt from this trend. Church shopping is a reality – and some are finding it, like other goods and services, online! In spiritual websites and virtual communities.
4) Expectations are Greater: We are used to being entertained, in grand style. Instead of making our own music – think CDs! The 2-3 hour sermons of 19th century UU preachers Emerson, Channing or Ballou are long past. (I admit, I’ve a bit of nostalgia here: trained in seminary on those sermons, I sometimes long for the depth one can explore in the extended essay form.) Twenty minutes these days is a stretch for our sound-bite commercial-conditioned attention spans.
5) Institutional Loyalties are Weaker: Not just religious, secular and political, across the board. Membership in all kinds of institutions is declining – fraternities, sororities, and worker’s unions, along with churches.
6) Changing Criteria for Self-Identification: Provincialism’s given way to cultural plurality. Race, class, ethnic background, the church you were born into no longer dictate your choices. Affiliations are diverse and optional.
(What could be more UU, you say? Should we resist this? If you listen beneath the surface, there’s a lot that’s positive here. Them begins to look more and more like us!)
7) The Continued Impact of Technology: Guttenberg’s Press invented in the 1400s heralded a religious revolution. The Reformation resulted when masses of people became literate, learning to read and interpret the scriptures for themselves. Our own roots are in that revolution. As questions of doctrine were asked, we pushed the issues – challenging even the reformers.
(Fast-forward to the 21st century. Should we be surprised that a World-Wide-Web allowing people everywhere to be intellectually and spiritually nourished without leaving home – from their desk or deck chairs – might have equal transformative power?)
8) Scarcity to Abundance: Wider opportunities exist, an abundance of choices for fulfilling all our needs, spiritual as well as material.
You get the idea. What might these trends mean for us? We UUs call ourselves the “choosing” – not the chosen – people. Will we choose to go with the flow here? Taking into account huge cultural changes across not only decades but millennia, should we be surprised at the decline in our age of an institution dating back to ancient times? And remember, we’re just talking cultural changes; we’ve said nothing yet about theology or how spirituality has evolved over time.
A bit of reality therapy may be in order. Remember Erik Erikson’s simple, self evident idea that it’s more productive to stop focusing on how we think life SHOULD be, and begin dealing with what really IS! To think “outside the box” we’ve put things in. The box in this case being the church building. Should we moan that the rise of the “Nones” signals a decline in religious values, or promote a growing spiritual movement looking more and more like that open-minded, open-hearted, free faith our UU founders long ago imagined.
Can we befriend technology to work in our favour? Many people in the last decade first learned they were Unitarian Universalists – not by a church visit – but an online survey conducted by Beliefnet.com. Some serve now in our ministry, having self-identified with that survey. We didn’t find them; they discovered us! All we need to is be discoverable. Should we develop our use of social media; I vote YES!
What about people losing faith in institutions – religious as well as political – church as usual? They still need community, but they’re finding ways to gather without church buildings. Some were announced at the CUC ACM in Montreal a number of us attended weeks ago. We welcomed several young adults into ministry at our worship service there – all card-carrying members of the emerging culture, with brilliant insights into how we as a movement might mobilize resources to fulfill the theme of the conference: Beyond Our Walls. Friday’s keynote speaker Rev. Meg Riley is minister of the largest UU church in the world, the Church of the Larger Fellowship. Which holds services online. People from near and far – countries across the world in all hemispheres, even Canada – gather to “light the chalice” from where they are. One by one the announce where the flame is being lit, share joys and sorrows, meditate, pray together, reflect upon an inspirational message, and share music and fellowship – all online. It may not be your trip; after all, you have this community here. But if you were – say, in Sudbury Ontario, with no UU community nearer than Ottawa – this might be the only place you could come home to, religiously.
The ministers’ Confluence lecture highlighted outreach ministries across the country: shared social justice projects, seminary students forming Facebook congregations, young adults self-organizing in online communities. “Pub churches” in Halifax and Edmonton – regular Saturday night services at local pubs where young adults and others gather informally over beer for lively music, spiritual conversation, and fellowship – religion “beyond the steeple”. What would that look like in North Hatley?
In a current issue of UUA World magazine, national congregational consultant Terasa Cooley spells it out: “If you like the church you have now – I’m not going to lie to you – you might not be able to keep it, at least not exactly the way it is. The church that speaks to and serves the next generation will not be the same. But that has always been true.”
We live in exciting times. We may long for stability and comfort, yet to not only survive but thrive we must act with courage, generosity and vision. Like all life forms, as a church that’s alive we must change ourselves as things change around us. Create new ways of gathering, being spiritual, relevant to our times. Our choice is clear: to rise to the challenge or resist and face an empty church.
We need worry less and less about how THEY come to US as we design ways to go out and meet them where they are. Our recent Sharing Our Faith and Northern Lights grants are funds entrusted to us by fellow Canadian Unitarians and Universalists for community and interfaith outreach. In an inspiring show of support, they’re cheering us on, voting on UU Estrie’s ability to become more than we are. Opportunities for this outreach abound; come learn more at the Town Hall meeting after the service today, about our growing engagement with the community beyond our doors. We’ve begun to answer that call.
People may never stream through these red doors. Do we still need the church? I say YES! For this is the hub of the wheel. The place from which we move out into the beyond, the place we come back to and meet face-to-face, renewing our energies, deepening our sense of belonging, sharing our lives, grounding ourselves again in hope, before moving out into the wider world again.
For move we must. We can no longer afford to “sit on the franchise.” There’s a reason we UUs consider ourselves not a denomination, but a movement. Passionate about what we stand for, standing is not enough. We must move – as the spirit is moving – out into the world, beyond this comfort zone, beyond the steeple.
And the good news today: the very challenges posed by a rapidly changing 21st century culture point us toward exciting possibilities. Fulfilling ancient dreams of our faith, making the 19th century prophecy of Theodore Parker a reality in our time: “Be ours a religion which, like sunshine, goes everywhere; its temple, all space; its shrine, the good heart; its creed, all truth; its ritual, works of love; its profession of faith, divine living.”
By our best efforts, may it be so.
Be it resolved…?
Two UU work groups are proposing resolutions for possible adoption at the Canadian Unitarian Council (CUC) AGM in Montreal in May.
Peace in Israel-Palestine. The first resolution concerns the tangled conflict in Israel-Palestine. It asks that CUC member congregations study the history of the conflict, and the present conditions in Israel. It asks that the CUC provide resource materials and persons to help in this process. And it asks that, at the 2015 AGM, member congregations be prepared to decide if Social Justice action on this matter is needed.
We already began this study with two recent services. The most recent was on March 23, when Jerzy Przytyk presented a video by an Israeli soldier entitled “Soldier’s Diary.” Jerzy suggested the best way to intervene is to support Israeli and Palestinian groups who are working for peace. The discussion has just begun!
For more information, visit http://cuc.ca/acm-2014/annual-meeting/
Pervasive Surveillance. The second resolution is new and urgent. It responds to information that became public in January – that the Canadian government believes that it has the right to engage in wholesale collection of “metadata” about telephone and Internet communications of Canadians. The promoters of the resolution say this is an attack on our basic freedoms, and one which should be challenged by UUs.
The resolution asks CUC member congregations to call on the government of Canada (1) to report on all pervasive surveillance programs that have been carried out by government agencies over the past five years; (2) to assign the authority to oversee surveillance activities undertaken by the government to an agency that is responsible directly to Parliament, not to the Cabinet; (3) to make it unlawful for the government to engage in pervasive surveillance, including the routine mass collection or storage of its citizens’ communications, movements, or metadata; (4) and to recommend that the individual members of CUC member congregations write their elected representatives to express concern about pervasive surveillance and their support for the changes outlined above.
Any members of CUC congregations who support the resolution are invited to formally join the group of “proposers.” To do this, contact Jack Dodds by email <firstname.lastname@example.org> or telephone 905-727-4097. For more information, visit http://firstunitariantoronto.org/component/content/article/97-social-justice/514-pervasive-surveillance-resolution .
New Mission and Vision Statements. The CUC board of directors also sent us a discussion paper about the CUC’s new vision and mission. Many religious denominations have seen declining numbers. This includes Unitarian Universalists, although the decline is not as sharp as for some other groups. The question is this: What would it mean for us to be a truly transformative religion for the times in which we live? For more information, visit www.cuc.ca .
CUC Board Nominations – Congratulations, Jaime!
The CUC Nominating Committee has proposed three nominees for the Board of Trustees of the CUC. For the Eastern region, our very own Jaime Dunton. For the Central region, Lorna Weigand of Don Heights. For British Columbia, Kristina Stevens of Victoria (second term). They join five other board members whose 3-year terms are in progress.
Further nominations (by April 16), questions and comments may be directed to the Chair of the Nominating Committee, Bunty Albert, at email@example.com. Details are on the Governance page of www.cuc.ca.
(A reading by the Reverend Carole Martignacco, 9 April 2013, for the Goldberg Duo concert at Plymouth Trinity United Church, Sherbrooke QC)
Yom Hashoah, the Holocaust Remembrance Day, honors the millions of lives lost in Hitler’s death camps. When one group of people or one characteristic gets defined as “not us,” “not normal” or outside the common bounds of humanity, terrible consequences can ensue.
Are there lessons for humanity in the horror of this history? (the above is a quote from the UUA Church of the Larger Fellowship DAILY COMPASS Meditation series)
Each one of us must search our hearts. Each of us must root out, with a love and compassion that is ruthless in its honesty, the source of oppression and exclusion in ourselves, asking in our own lives:
Commemorating the Holocaust holds power for us today in that it calls us to confront our own ability, out of perceived difference or distance, to alienate, neglect or deny the well being of those perceived as other. It calls us to renew and expand our love and compassion, our commitment to justice, for all our siblings in the family of humankind.
The Holocaust by sheer magnitude of its cruelty is overwhelming; we can hardly imagine millions of victims. Yet for every number, a name, for every name, a living, breathing, dreaming, loving, growing, thinking, feeling human being. Like you and like me ~ each one, a unique and holy life. May they never be forgotten.
And may our prayer this year and every year be to remember ~
this must never happen again!
In 1991, Stoddard Hall was dedicated. There were speeches and poems by Helen McCammon, Nancy Pacaud, Margaret Stoddard, and Keith Baxter.
Margaret talks about how she and Al attended UU events in many churches, and found basements that were finished and well used in most of them.
For several years Al, in particular, lobbied to have a full basement put under our church, which then had a dry-stone foundation, and a gloomy cellar with a stream running through it, housing only the furnace and toilet.
At last the project came about, the video includes some clips of the actual work. At the time of the dedication, the “Lower Level” housed a Waldorf school.
A tape (probably VHS) was made of the ceremony, and now Gordon Stoddard (who appears in the video) has produced a modern mpeg-4 format.
Depending on your browser settings, this may open in your browser, in another application, or you may be asked what to do with the file.
[on September 30, ] The Unitarian Universalist Spiritual Community of North Hatley and the Jewish Community Centre of the Eastern Townships collaborated on bringing Rabbi Sherril Gilbert to North Hatley to celebrate the third High Holy Day on the Jewish calendar with the North Hatley community. Sukkot is a time of hospitality intertwined with social justice, and part of the ceremony is to “welcome the stranger, the widow and the orphan” in ones dwelling, in this case, a Sukkot or make-shift shelter.
Rabbi Gilbert of B’nai Or Montreal and the Reverend Carole Martignacco, pastor of UU Estrie, held a “Dialogue Sermon,” during the celebration ceremony. The “Reflection” or sermon was an untraditional “dialogue” between Gilbert and Martignacco, basically outlining the importance of the Sukkot (shelter) notion of the Jewish people’s biblical mandate to reach out to strangers, or to reach out to someone of different faith.
The official ceremony began by Lighting of the Chalice, and then moved on next to the Joy and Sorrow segment which involved lighting of candles between the two faiths, and this commitment was an expression of peace for each other and support for the other’s struggles in their daily lives.
Martignacco collaborated with this event because she believes this is not only the mandate for their faith but for all faiths. “It is integral to our faith that we welcome truths from all directions and all traditions, so celebrating Judaism is celebrating our tradition as well. In fact the Unitarian side celebrates the Jewish concept that God is one and can not be divided–therefore not Trinitarian but Unitarian. It is that universal welcome in the sense that we are all under the same Sukkot.”
Gilbert stated in her “dialogue” that bringing the two faiths together and accepting the other for who they are and not for what they believe is a part of her larger mandate as a follower of God. “What I like to do is take the particular and make it universal. That is what we did today. We took the particular (the Sukkot in Judaism) and we tried to make it relevant to other faith’s lives. The stranger…is our responsibility.”
During the Sukkot ceremony Gilbert told her own “stranger” story of living in Newfoundland, where the Gilbert family built their first Sukkot on their property. Their neighbours next door were of Iranian origin (and recent arrivals to Canada), and as soon as the Gilbert family completed their shelter, they immediately had visitors. To her “joy and surprise,” the Iranian couple asked if they could join in on their ceremony under the Sukkot. Gilbert and her husband Terry graciously accepted and this inspired them to continue to pursue their passion of celebrating the Sukkot with other faiths.
When asked after the sermon about how the outcome of the Sukkot is so different from what our society has witnessed in Israel last week, especially between Israel and Iran, Gilbert said, “I believe we need to do what we can. We can’t do much about what is happening there. We can take steps in our own communities to make things better, and I think that is the idea because if you feel you are completely helpless, or when you hear about all that horrible news over there, you sort of retreat and feel that you can’t help change the world, but in fact you can. In Judaism it is said that ‘if you help save one life you save a world,’ and so we try to encourage people to come out and take that one step.”
Taking “one step” towards collaboration is exactly what Reverend Martignacco and her congregation has done by inviting Gilbert to be a member of their spiritual family. Martignacco believes also that in order to change the situation in the world we must change “our own little corner” first. “We can’t go there and change what is happening, all we can do is change our own little corner, and the more we infuse it with love and joy, the more we tip the balance in the whole world community. If this was happening in other places (and I know it is in different ways) then I prefer to think that there is a power (that shows us) we are more than the sum of our parts.”
This writeup appeared in the Sherbrooke Record on October 2, 2012
The kids in the RE program participated in the Canada Day parade in Hatley this year. It was a Sunday, but they came early to Hatley, helped decorate my old wagon, and then rode on it, holding signs with each of the seven principles.
The parade was watched by thousands — pretty remarkable for a village of 40 houses!
The float won forth prize in its category. The children voted on how to use the prize money. They decided to treat themselves to some ice cream, and make a donation tho the SPCA. In accord withe the fifth principle, “All people need a voice.”
Thanks to Gabriella Brand for these pictures.
More pictures by Heather Davis
Live music, live thoughts:
A little time devoted to keeping our spirits healthy and strong, through shared personal experience, discussion, readings, and live, soulful music. Enjoy meaningful conversation without doctrine or creed.
Sunday, Jan 12 and 26
Feb 9 and 23
Mar 16 and 30
International Centre on Bishop’s Campus
Welcome to all. You will hear some good tunes and some good ideas, and build your own thinking about Life.
Conjugal Violence: Let’s break the Silence.
Good morning, I am honored to share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings with you. On June 29th, 2007, my best friend, Rachelle Wrathmall lost her life to domestic violence. That day has changed my life and my perception of the world, and I have been deeply reflecting on women’s issues, conjugal violence, and building awareness.
It has been 4 1/2 years since Rachelle Wrathmall, left us, and I ‘m still thinking of that terrifying summer day; you could say that I’m still waiting for the hole in my soul to be filled; I’m still hoping for justice. But why does it feel like time has been standing still? It is amazing how hours turned into days; days turned into weeks; and weeks into months and now months into years! And yet there is still nothing, after 4 ½ years.
In 2003, I was following the Laci Peterson case on CNN. Laci was a 27 year- old mother to-be from Modesto, California, who was murdered by her husband, Scott Peterson. I was in disbelief: how could a husband murder his wife and unborn child? I would have never imagined that between 2006 and 2007, 3 women from the Eastern Townships would share a similar fate as Laci Peterson. And, that one of those 3 women would be my best friend, Rachelle Wrathmall.
Despite my surprise and shock, violence against women isn’t a new thing. Throughout history, women have faced many challenges and obstacles. It all began when Eve ate the apple from the forbidden tree and was expelled from Eden, starting a long history of men blaming women for what they lost. Since then, we have faced witch-hunts; we fought for our voting rights and for equal labor rights, for equal salaries, and for abortion rights; and we are still struggling against sexist images in the media. Haven’t we been through enough already? Apparently, we haven’t. Why are so many women battered, murdered, or victims of psychological violence every year? According to statistics Canada, over 17 thousand conjugal violence cases have been reported to the police; 83 % of the victims are women and 17 % are men; 45 % of the abusers are a spouse; 41 % are an ex-spouse; 14 % are a friend. The abuser is rarely a stranger in a dark alley: it is someone you trust or once trusted.
Sometimes I wonder if Rachelle just a statistic? If Rachelle isn’t just a statistic, she is just another domestic violence case? But to me she was the girl who smiled and befriended me, the one who made me feel like I belonged. She was the friend who laughed and cried with me; she’s a part of my history; she’s like a limb/arm that has been cut off. No, to me she’s not just a faceless statistic! She was the tall, good-looking woman that made heads turn, the one who had it going on. How could this have happened to Rachelle? She was an intelligent woman; a competent co-worker; a loving daughter, sister, and aunt. To us, she was all that and even more. But, why does it feel like she is just another murder case, piled up on some detective’s desk?
Suddenly we, Rachelle’s family and friends, have become victims too. How could this have happened to us? How could we possibly heal after such a terrible, horrific loss? I am still baffled by this surreal fact and I have struggled to accept and understand. Who is to blame? Of course, it is her killer who is to blame, but at the same time, sense of guilt soars through my heart. If I could turn back time, I’d convince her to run, or I’d snatch her away like a superhero. I would tell her AGAIN that she deserves better, that love doesn’t have to hurt, and that love doesn’t imprison you, but I couldn’t be a superhero. There came a time when I had to turn my back on her in order to protect my self and my family from his threats; however, I am here today, so that we can break the silence in order to prevent other tragedies.
What else could we have done to save Rachelle? We tried so hard to help her escape. But was it enough? How can I prevent this from happening in the future? What is my role as a woman? What is my role as a teacher? These are all questions that I often ask myself, and I am not sure to have all the answers.
I think that the most important thing is to TALK. Conjugal violence is taboo in our society: it’s a topic that makes us feel very uncomfortable, but turning our head the other way on a situation won’t make it disappear. Family and friends play a crucial role in a victim’s life: they must listen without judging because victims often feel ashamed of the violence or ashamed of their choices to return to violent partner over and over again. This is like an addiction that is difficult to kick. The victim will isolate themselves because of their shame, but also because their controlling partner will not allow them to contact their friends & family. Despite this, let the victim know that you are there for them; offer to go with them to a women’s centre, to see a social worker or a health care professional. Let the victim know that there are shelters, and many other resources for them. BUT, before you tell the victim what to do, just LISTEN to them.
Education and organization are just as important as communication.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you must know what to do. In other words, have a plan to escape. Be ready to execute it. According to experts, you must follow certain steps:
1) Have a suitcase ready; have double sets of keys; have cash and change ready in case you need to take a taxi or call someone.
2) Make sure that all your important documents, such as identity papers or cards, keys, cheque books, your address book (etc), are easy to access in case you need to leave urgently.
3) Open a separate bank account to your name. Keep it a secret and have the bank statements sent to a friend’s home or a member of the family, or do your banking online (remember to never give any of your passwords). All your financial documents must also be organized, so you can take them with you.
4) Your children should know the police’s number by heart and be trained to call in case of emergency.
5) For identification purposes, have a picture of your spouse or ex-spouse on you for the police.
6) Revise your plan regularly as if you were practicing for a fire drill. Take it seriously for it can save your life.
Furthermore, we must learn to trust our instincts and run when a relationship doesn’t feel right. Run fast and never go back! One of the first things we teach children is to listen to their inner voice because it will tell them what to do, so don’t ignore that voice! Each time you go back to an abusive partner, you are putting your life as well as your children’s lives at risk, and you are giving up your power. Breaking up and making up in a violent relationship is a dangerous game. We must learn to choose to put our selves first before the relationship, & we must teach this to our sons and daughters. But how do we teach them?
How do you identify an abusive or violent relationship? There is a pattern, which is called the cycle of violence and there are 4 stages to the cycle. I will explain each stage with the specific behaviors & reactions:
1) Tension: the abuser is excessively angry, s/he threatens, gives intimidating looks, or could be giving the silent treatment. The victim feels worried and tries to improve the atmosphere, and is careful about what s/he says or does (walking on pins & needles).
2) Violence incident: the abuser lashes out and attacks. The attacks may be verbal, psychological, physical, sexual or even financial. The victim feels humiliated, sad, and feels a sense of injustice, like s/he doesn’t deserve this.
3) Justification: the abuser makes excuses to justify his/her behavior. The victim attempts to understand; helps him/her to change; and doubts her/his own perceptions; s/he feels responsible for the violence, as if they provoked the anger.
4) Reconciliation/honeymoon: the abuser asks for forgiveness (s/he will never do it again). S/he makes promises: s/he will go to therapy, s/he will change. The abuser becomes charming once more and tries to win the victim back even by buying a gift or sending flowers to show how sorry s/he is. He may even threaten to commit suicide, if their partner ends the relationship. The victim gives a chance by offering her/his help; acknowledges his/her efforts; even changes his/her behavior to please or avoid another situation. Things go back to “normal” for a while, until the victim makes a false move to trigger the abuser’s anger.
It is through this cycle that the abuser manages to control the victim. Eventually, the victim is broken down and feelings of helplessness grow; self- esteem and confidence are shattered. The victim will begin to feel emotionally and financially trapped and fear and insecurity will invade them.
AND it is thus that the VICIOUS CYCLE CONTINUES on and on, until someone gets hurt badly, or even dies. Victims often go back to the abusive relationship because they have hope; they wish to return to the good times (to the ideal honeymoon phase). For example, two weeks before Rachelle died, she confessed me that she would go back to him again, despite all the pain that he had caused her. I asked her, “why?” She answered, “When things were bad they were really bad; but when things were good they were so great!” These relationships are often dramatic and extreme. As I said earlier, some people are addicted to drama and find it difficult to leave the relationship, or they believe that a “normal”, “stable”, calm partner will bore them. If that is the case, inner work or therapy is recommended.
Everybody should know this information and take it seriously. I recommend that schools become more involved, because the cycle of violence starts before the kids get into a serious relationships; Think about the 15 year old girl, Marjorie Raymond, who committed suicide on November 28th to escape her tormentors at school (it seems that every 2 weeks we hear about a teen suicide case, which is triggered by violence they face everyday at school). Educators often, maybe superficially, discuss bullying and sex education. BUT, why aren’t high schools teaching lessons about dating violence? Why don’t we wear white ribbons at school on December 6th? We should discuss the cycle of violence and the types of violence that exist in order to be able to identify violence when it happens. Parents should teach their sons and daughters respect, gender equality, self- esteem and self-worth.
We need to tell our children that they must love themselves enough to be able to walk away when it doesn’t feel right, but we also must teach them about healthy relationships. Romance isn’t everything in their life: you shouldn’t lose your friends and family for romance; you shouldn’t give up your hobbies and interests; you shouldn’t die for love. Real life shouldn’t be like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet or Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga. Life isn’t a dramatic movie, or at least it shouldn’t be one!
Most importantly, I think that it is time for people to realize that violence against women isn’t just a domestic issue, not just a private matter between spouses. You see, when thousands of women die, it is called mass murder; therefore, it is a public matter; it’s everyone’s problem. Everyone should do their part to prevent tragedies.
Despite all the knowledge that I have acquired through my personal experience, I am still looking for answers and at times I feel powerless…I am waiting for a miracle and I wish someone somewhere would do something! Would Mr. Harper, the politicians and law- makers create stricter laws; give harsher punishments; have extradition treaties with as many countries as possible! Why should Raphiou Oumar Alpha Sow be living his life freely somewhere overseas, while Rachelle Wrathmall is 6 feet under? Why should he still be considered an “important witness” instead of a prime suspect? Yes, we are disillusioned with the Canadian justice system.
We, Rachelle’s friends and family, are still struggling with our loss, and we are left left in the dark: without any sense of closure. I realize how deeply Rachelle’s death has affected us, and we will always miss her and justice or a punishment will not bring her back or erase what happened. Because of my experience, I have also realized that these things don’t only happen in the movies, on the news, or to Laci Petterson in Modesto, California—they happen in our community. Violence happens in our own backyards.
The healing process is long and difficult, but I find comfort in the fact that we are meeting today to remember and acknowledge the women of the Polytechnique, Isabelle Bolduc, Julie Boisvenu, Rachelle Wrathmall, Faye Gareghty, and Nathalie Dupont, as well as ALL the other female victims in the world. Unfortunately, they are too many to name.
I will always think of Rachelle and keep her close to my heart, and I now speak on her behalf. Violence towards women is something we can fight TOGETHER by breaking the silence and building awareness. History has shown us that we have overcome so many obstacles already, so violence towards women is another battle we can win! I believe that we can find the paradise within ourselves. TOGETHER, let’s return to Eden and reclaim our power and find our voices!
(This talk was written by Paraskevi Mazarakiotis, who delivered it at UUEstrie on Dec. 4, 2011.)