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Conjugal Violence: Let’s break the Silence.

Good morning, I am honored to share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings with you. On June 29th, 2007, my best friend, Rachelle Wrathmall lost her life to domestic violence. That day has changed my life and my perception of the world, and I have been deeply reflecting on women’s issues, conjugal violence, and building awareness.

It has been 4 1/2 years since Rachelle Wrathmall, left us, and I ‘m still thinking of that terrifying summer day; you could say that I’m still waiting for the hole in my soul to be filled; I’m still hoping for justice. But why does it feel like time has been standing still? It is amazing how hours turned into days; days turned into weeks; and weeks into months and now months into years! And yet there is still nothing, after 4 ½ years.

In 2003, I was following the Laci Peterson case on CNN. Laci was a 27 year- old mother to-be from Modesto, California, who was murdered by her husband, Scott Peterson. I was in disbelief: how could a husband murder his wife and unborn child? I would have never imagined that between 2006 and 2007, 3 women from the Eastern Townships would share a similar fate as Laci Peterson. And, that one of those 3 women would be my best friend, Rachelle Wrathmall.

Despite my surprise and shock, violence against women isn’t a new thing. Throughout history, women have faced many challenges and obstacles. It all began when Eve ate the apple from the forbidden tree and was expelled from Eden, starting a long history of men blaming women for what they lost. Since then, we have faced witch-hunts; we fought for our voting rights and for equal labor rights, for equal salaries, and for abortion rights; and we are still struggling against sexist images in the media. Haven’t we been through enough already? Apparently, we haven’t. Why are so many women battered, murdered, or victims of psychological violence every year? According to statistics Canada, over 17 thousand conjugal violence cases have been reported to the police; 83 % of the victims are women and 17 % are men; 45 % of the abusers are a spouse; 41 % are an ex-spouse; 14 % are a friend. The abuser is rarely a stranger in a dark alley: it is someone you trust or once trusted.

Sometimes I wonder if Rachelle just a statistic? If Rachelle isn’t just a statistic, she is just another domestic violence case? But to me she was the girl who smiled and befriended me, the one who made me feel like I belonged. She was the friend who laughed and cried with me; she’s a part of my history; she’s like a limb/arm that has been cut off. No, to me she’s not just a faceless statistic! She was the tall, good-looking woman that made heads turn, the one who had it going on. How could this have happened to Rachelle? She was an intelligent woman; a competent co-worker; a loving daughter, sister, and aunt. To us, she was all that and even more. But, why does it feel like she is just another murder case, piled up on some detective’s desk?

Suddenly we, Rachelle’s family and friends, have become victims too. How could this have happened to us? How could we possibly heal after such a terrible, horrific loss? I am still baffled by this surreal fact and I have struggled to accept and understand. Who is to blame? Of course, it is her killer who is to blame, but at the same time, sense of guilt soars through my heart. If I could turn back time, I’d convince her to run, or I’d snatch her away like a superhero. I would tell her AGAIN that she deserves better, that love doesn’t have to hurt, and that love doesn’t imprison you, but I couldn’t be a superhero. There came a time when I had to turn my back on her in order to protect my self and my family from his threats; however, I am here today, so that we can break the silence in order to prevent other tragedies.

What else could we have done to save Rachelle? We tried so hard to help her escape. But was it enough? How can I prevent this from happening in the future? What is my role as a woman? What is my role as a teacher? These are all questions that I often ask myself, and I am not sure to have all the answers.
I think that the most important thing is to TALK. Conjugal violence is taboo in our society: it’s a topic that makes us feel very uncomfortable, but turning our head the other way on a situation won’t make it disappear. Family and friends play a crucial role in a victim’s life: they must listen without judging because victims often feel ashamed of the violence or ashamed of their choices to return to violent partner over and over again. This is like an addiction that is difficult to kick. The victim will isolate themselves because of their shame, but also because their controlling partner will not allow them to contact their friends & family. Despite this, let the victim know that you are there for them; offer to go with them to a women’s centre, to see a social worker or a health care professional. Let the victim know that there are shelters, and many other resources for them. BUT, before you tell the victim what to do, just LISTEN to them.
Education and organization are just as important as communication.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you must know what to do. In other words, have a plan to escape. Be ready to execute it. According to experts, you must follow certain steps:
1) Have a suitcase ready; have double sets of keys; have cash and change ready in case you need to take a taxi or call someone.
2) Make sure that all your important documents, such as identity papers or cards, keys, cheque books, your address book (etc), are easy to access in case you need to leave urgently.
3) Open a separate bank account to your name. Keep it a secret and have the bank statements sent to a friend’s home or a member of the family, or do your banking online (remember to never give any of your passwords). All your financial documents must also be organized, so you can take them with you.
4) Your children should know the police’s number by heart and be trained to call in case of emergency.
5) For identification purposes, have a picture of your spouse or ex-spouse on you for the police.
6) Revise your plan regularly as if you were practicing for a fire drill. Take it seriously for it can save your life.

Furthermore, we must learn to trust our instincts and run when a relationship doesn’t feel right. Run fast and never go back! One of the first things we teach children is to listen to their inner voice because it will tell them what to do, so don’t ignore that voice! Each time you go back to an abusive partner, you are putting your life as well as your children’s lives at risk, and you are giving up your power. Breaking up and making up in a violent relationship is a dangerous game. We must learn to choose to put our selves first before the relationship, & we must teach this to our sons and daughters. But how do we teach them?

How do you identify an abusive or violent relationship? There is a pattern, which is called the cycle of violence and there are 4 stages to the cycle. I will explain each stage with the specific behaviors & reactions:

1) Tension: the abuser is excessively angry, s/he threatens, gives intimidating looks, or could be giving the silent treatment. The victim feels worried and tries to improve the atmosphere, and is careful about what s/he says or does (walking on pins & needles).
2) Violence incident: the abuser lashes out and attacks. The attacks may be verbal, psychological, physical, sexual or even financial. The victim feels humiliated, sad, and feels a sense of injustice, like s/he doesn’t deserve this.
3) Justification: the abuser makes excuses to justify his/her behavior. The victim attempts to understand; helps him/her to change; and doubts her/his own perceptions; s/he feels responsible for the violence, as if they provoked the anger.
4) Reconciliation/honeymoon: the abuser asks for forgiveness (s/he will never do it again). S/he makes promises: s/he will go to therapy, s/he will change. The abuser becomes charming once more and tries to win the victim back even by buying a gift or sending flowers to show how sorry s/he is. He may even threaten to commit suicide, if their partner ends the relationship. The victim gives a chance by offering her/his help; acknowledges his/her efforts; even changes his/her behavior to please or avoid another situation. Things go back to “normal” for a while, until the victim makes a false move to trigger the abuser’s anger.

It is through this cycle that the abuser manages to control the victim. Eventually, the victim is broken down and feelings of helplessness grow; self- esteem and confidence are shattered. The victim will begin to feel emotionally and financially trapped and fear and insecurity will invade them.
AND it is thus that the VICIOUS CYCLE CONTINUES on and on, until someone gets hurt badly, or even dies. Victims often go back to the abusive relationship because they have hope; they wish to return to the good times (to the ideal honeymoon phase). For example, two weeks before Rachelle died, she confessed me that she would go back to him again, despite all the pain that he had caused her. I asked her, “why?” She answered, “When things were bad they were really bad; but when things were good they were so great!” These relationships are often dramatic and extreme. As I said earlier, some people are addicted to drama and find it difficult to leave the relationship, or they believe that a “normal”, “stable”, calm partner will bore them. If that is the case, inner work or therapy is recommended.

Everybody should know this information and take it seriously. I recommend that schools become more involved, because the cycle of violence starts before the kids get into a serious relationships; Think about the 15 year old girl, Marjorie Raymond, who committed suicide on November 28th to escape her tormentors at school (it seems that every 2 weeks we hear about a teen suicide case, which is triggered by violence they face everyday at school). Educators often, maybe superficially, discuss bullying and sex education. BUT, why aren’t high schools teaching lessons about dating violence? Why don’t we wear white ribbons at school on December 6th? We should discuss the cycle of violence and the types of violence that exist in order to be able to identify violence when it happens. Parents should teach their sons and daughters respect, gender equality, self- esteem and self-worth.
We need to tell our children that they must love themselves enough to be able to walk away when it doesn’t feel right, but we also must teach them about healthy relationships. Romance isn’t everything in their life: you shouldn’t lose your friends and family for romance; you shouldn’t give up your hobbies and interests; you shouldn’t die for love. Real life shouldn’t be like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet or Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga. Life isn’t a dramatic movie, or at least it shouldn’t be one!
Most importantly, I think that it is time for people to realize that violence against women isn’t just a domestic issue, not just a private matter between spouses. You see, when thousands of women die, it is called mass murder; therefore, it is a public matter; it’s everyone’s problem. Everyone should do their part to prevent tragedies.
Despite all the knowledge that I have acquired through my personal experience, I am still looking for answers and at times I feel powerless…I am waiting for a miracle and I wish someone somewhere would do something! Would Mr. Harper, the politicians and law- makers create stricter laws; give harsher punishments; have extradition treaties with as many countries as possible! Why should Raphiou Oumar Alpha Sow be living his life freely somewhere overseas, while Rachelle Wrathmall is 6 feet under? Why should he still be considered an “important witness” instead of a prime suspect? Yes, we are disillusioned with the Canadian justice system.
We, Rachelle’s friends and family, are still struggling with our loss, and we are left left in the dark: without any sense of closure. I realize how deeply Rachelle’s death has affected us, and we will always miss her and justice or a punishment will not bring her back or erase what happened. Because of my experience, I have also realized that these things don’t only happen in the movies, on the news, or to Laci Petterson in Modesto, California—they happen in our community. Violence happens in our own backyards.
The healing process is long and difficult, but I find comfort in the fact that we are meeting today to remember and acknowledge the women of the Polytechnique, Isabelle Bolduc, Julie Boisvenu, Rachelle Wrathmall, Faye Gareghty, and Nathalie Dupont, as well as ALL the other female victims in the world. Unfortunately, they are too many to name.
I will always think of Rachelle and keep her close to my heart, and I now speak on her behalf. Violence towards women is something we can fight TOGETHER by breaking the silence and building awareness. History has shown us that we have overcome so many obstacles already, so violence towards women is another battle we can win! I believe that we can find the paradise within ourselves. TOGETHER, let’s return to Eden and reclaim our power and find our voices!

(This talk was written by Paraskevi Mazarakiotis, who delivered it at UUEstrie on Dec. 4, 2011.)

The Unitarian Universalist Meeting House (UUEstrie) in North Hatley was bursting at the seams on Sunday evening, December 4,  for a pageant/play, “Dulce Domum – Home Sweet Home,” featuring the children of UUEstrie community. The play, starring Rat and Mole and the Spirit of Christmas, was taken from the book, The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame. Lindsay-Jane Gowman narrated the story. The photo shows Mole and Rat surrounded by a choir of field mice, in Mole’s Home Sweet Home. Glorious music rounded out the evening, starring Les Chants de la Terre, an a capella choir that specializes in Christmas songs, led by Françoise Miousse. The festive wood-panelled sanctuary was filled with people of all ages. The event ended with a turkey potluck supper (turkey provided), an annual tradition at UUEstrie.

(Texte préparatoire de l’homélie offert le 13 février 2011)

Bonjour à tous. Merci d’être présent à cette première célébration unitarienne-universaliste en français à North-Hatley. Nous sommes le 13 février, à la veille de la Saint-Valentin. Il est donc naturel de prendre comme sujet l’amour. Je me suis porter volontaire pour faire cette première homélie en français dans notre église. Bien que je ne me considère pas vraiment un spécialiste des relations amoureuses, j’aimerais vous partager quelques idées sur ce sujet.

L’amour tantôt force tranquille, tantôt nourrit du feu de la passion qui souvent nous saisi au moment ou nous l’avions abandonner. L’amour qui parfois s’empare de notre coeur, de notre esprit et de notre corps. L’amour qui met à l’épreuve notre discernement, et prend sa place dans nos choix de vie et dans nos engagements.

Mon expérience de vie comprend près d’une demi douzaines de relations amoureuses. Au début de ces relations, j’ai souvent eu l’impression que moi et ma partenaire formions le couple parfait. Il était facile d’identifier tout ce qui nous convenait chez l’autre. La compréhension et la complicité semblait la pluspart du temps ce qui avait de plus harmonieux. Toutefois, la situation changeait diamétralement lorsqu’arrivait des situations de stress.

Si dans les moments harmonieux, nos objectifs se coordonnent et nous avons l’impression de parler le même language. Dans les moments difficiles, tout peut aller de travers, les mots n’ont plus le même sens, les objectifs semblent divergent, les intérêts incompatibles, la tolérance est à fleur de peau. Tout comme si notre partenaire devenait tout d’un coup un être venu d’une autre planète. Comment une telle chose peut bien se produire?

D’une part, l’état de félicité initiale est probalement généré par une bonne dose d’hormones associées à l’état amoureux et que l’effet de ces hormones s’estompe à mesure que la relation passe dans une phase de maturation. D’autre part, il semble que la nature prend souvent plaisir à unir des partenaires qui utilisent des méthodes parfaitement contraire pour percevoir le réel. Ces différences de perceptions se démarqueraient de façons plus évidente justement en période de stress.

La programmation neurolinguistique nous aide à comprendre ce phénomène de différence de perception. L’explication de base serait que notre mécanisme principale de perception de la réalité est différent de notre partenaire et qu’en période de stress c’est le seul mécanisme qui opère. Les principaux modes de perceptions que nous aborderons ici sont : le visuel, l’auditif, le kinesthésique et le logique.

Chacun de ces modes de perception a un impact sur

• comment nous precevons votre environnement
• comment nous nous percevons l’un et l’autre
• comment nous pensons
• comment nous vivons nos sentiments
• comment nous combattons
• comment nous aimons et désirons être aimé

En temps normal, nous opérons dans la vie suivant un mélange de ces modes de perceptions. Ceci nous permet d’appréhender notre environnement de manière équilibré.  Par contre, sous période de stress, l’énergie est concentrée dans les tensions musculaires et les mouvements cardiaques par suite de notre réaction instinctive fondamentale de survit: « combattre ou fuir ». Le sang et l’énergie qui reste disponible au cerveau ne peut alors alimenter que notre mode de perception principale.

C’est alors sur ce mode de perception incomplet que nous baserons notre compréhension de la réalité et défierons notre partenaire. Dans le même temps, sous le stress, notre partenaire aura un biais similaire, mais, suivant son propre mode de perception principale. C’est ainsi qu’on se retrouve avec un dialogue de sourd et que les émotions peuvent littéralement faire de la haute voltige. Ce, jusqu’à parfois faire déclencher tous les boutons sensibles de l’un et de l’autre en quelques échanges seulement.

Voici quelques caractéristiques des quatre principaux modes de perceptions.

• Le Visuel : Un visuel est flamboyant et visionnaire. Il est capable par son regard d’établir une communication intense et privilégiée. C’est un motivateur. Il a la capacité d’avoir une bonne vision en perspective. Toutefois, sous le stress, il peut  se prendre à vous regarder directement dans les yeux et de vous dire exactement ce que vous faites mal. Il reste droit, clair, et ne parle pas de lui.  Il ne parle que de vous.  Tout ce qu’il dit c’est à propos de vous. Vous pouvez vous sentir blamé, critiqué. Pour lui, il ne fait que vous fournir le résultat de ses observations. En fait, sous le stress, il est incapable d’y voir sa part, car il ne se rend pas compte qu’il a perdu sa vision en perspective. Sa position, c’est que vous faites erreurs, vous avez tord. Il est prêt à en débattre et par la force de ses arguments, il gagne habituellement le débat.

• Le Logique: Le logique est quelqu’un de neutre, fiable et de stable. Capable de réfléchir dans la majorité des situations. Sous stress il n’est pas vraiment intéressé à débattre parce que sa position est très claire “j’ai raison”. Il sera facile pour lui de rejeter ce qui ne s’accorde pas avec ce qu’il dit. Il trouve que ça ne vaut pas la peine de débattre parce qu’avec le temps vous allez vous rendre compte à quel point vous étiez dans l’erreur. Il est très détaché. Il est difficile de le toucher au niveau émotif au point que ça vous exaspère. Plus ça vous rend hystérique, plus il devient rationnel, logique, et détaché. Rien alors ne semble l’atteindre. M. Spock dans « Star Trek » est la personification presque parfaite du type « logique ».  Le Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy, plus émotif, est lui son éternel victime.

• L’auditif : Un auditif va vous écouter entre les lignes, il ne se fiera pas seulement sur les mots que vous allez utiliser mais aussi, il va interpréter les inflexions de votre voix. Souvent, il entend ce que vous n’avez jamais dit, par le simple son de votre voix. Il en a extrapolé le sens. Les auditifs font de bons thérapeutes car ils sont capable de comprendre ce que vous n’arrivez pas à expliquer. Ils ont des sonars. Par contre, sous le stress, non seulement il entend ce que vous n’avez jamais dit, mais aussi ce que vous n’avez jamais pensé. La dynamique relationnelle sous stress lui laisse souvent penser que vous le rejetez. Sous l’impact sonore de votre colère ou de votre exaspération, il n’écoute plus les mots que vous utilisez, mais plutôt il se met écouter son dialogue intérieur. La position d’un auditif dans un conflit est “je déteste que tu me fasse sentir à quel point tu trouves que je suis dans l’erreur”. Il a aussi une tendance marqué aux interprétations extrémistes.

• Kinesthésique: Le kinesthésique a une très grande compassion. Lui aussi peu faire un excellent thérapeute ou un aidant car il est beaucoup plus orienté vers les autres que vers lui-même. Aussi, dans son cas, l’information doit traverser son corps pour être bien comprise. Sous le stress, il est incapable de reconnaitre sa propre vérité. Il ne souvient pas pourquoi il y a discussion, ne se souvient pas de ses arguments. Il finit par s’accrocher à ce que vous dites et par accepter vos arguments. Par contre, une fois seul, il va réaliser qu’il aurait du suivre son intuition.

Pris séparément, chacun de ces modes de perceptions donne une vision incomplète de la réalité. L’affrontement des opposés peut nourrir de grandes souffrances entre les partenaires. Il semble essentiel de comprendre ce phénomène pour la survit du couple. Par exemple, ma compagne et moi, nous avons fait l’exercice d’identifier notre mode de perception primaire et secondaire de chacun. Cela a conduit a une compréhension nouvelle et édifiante des mécanismes de discussions dans notre couple.

Après avoir identifié et étudié vos modes de perception respectifs, il reste encore à trouver des moyens pour faire baisser la tension lorsqu’elle arrive. Évacuer l’énergie qui est bloquée dans le stress, pour que tout circule normalement à travers le corps. Le but, c’est d’entrer dans un mode de perception plus équilibré, de reprendre la communication de façons pacifique, et de rendre compte avec franchise des biais respectifs.

Avec des outils appropriés, la relations amoureuse serait donc finalement un moyen pour apprendre à devenir plus complet en tant qu’individus et en tant que couple. D’abord, via la compréhension et l’intégration des différents modes de perceptions et utiliser cette intégration pour la résolution des moments de tensions. En rétroaction, le couple se développe et s’enrichit de la résolution des tensions. C’est ainsi que nous dirons que l’amour du couple devient un moteur important de notre évolution.

Laurent Hubert,

Notes résultant des discussions après la présentation :

1. Il y a des praticiens en language neurolinguistique qui utilisent des subdivisions supplémentaires comme visuel interne, visuel externe, auditif interne, auditif externe.
2. Les personnes qui se disent profondéments intuitives sont probablement du type kinestésique, mais cela reste à confirmer.
   
3. Il est normal de se sentir dans un mode de perception dans certaines situations, et dans un autre mode dans d’autres. Les mécanismes d’adaptations cherchent à nous faire apprendre des modes différents pour différentes situations. Dans cette optique, un être optimale serait à l’aise dans les quatres modes de perceptions avec une prépondérance adéquate pour chaque circonstance.
4. Dans le video de Dona Eden, donné en référence, on trouve différentes techniques pour éviter l’escalade et évacuer l’énergie associé au stress.
5. La relation amoureuse  fait partie des relations fondamentales. D’autres relations peuvent faire vivre des contextes similaires: Parent-enfant, employé-patron, enfant-enfant, etc.

Références:

• video « The Energies of Love, The Invisible Key to a Fulfilling Relationship » Dona Eden et David Feinstein.
• Différents documents sur le language neurolinguistique trouvés sur internet.